omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
