He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
