I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
