got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
