i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
