I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
