Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
