Your dad touched me again.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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