So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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