Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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