someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
