remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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