Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
