wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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