i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
