do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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