So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
