hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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