Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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