I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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