I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
