Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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