I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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