Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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