my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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