nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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