The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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