Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
