Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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