My Higher Power is John Stamos
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
