i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
