Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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