I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
