The best revenge is premature balding
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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