she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We need to get me chipped asap
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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