Me too!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
