don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
