Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
