did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
