Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
