I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
