I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
