well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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