i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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