It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
