Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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