hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
