i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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