I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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