we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
