Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This is my gift to your gina
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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