if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
